I’ve read about the dark night of the soul, but never really thought I’d experienced it, and I began to wonder if it was the same for everybody. Is it dark? Is a soul aware of itself being dark?
Or can it be more like a listless spiritual life–a sense of being separated from God and not really caring, not being interested in doing the things that cause a soul to draw closer to God.
That seems to be where I am right now; having been a passionate believer for so much of my life–many decades–now I simply feel indifferent. Part of it may be connected to my heart surgeries. During the first one I never lost a wonderful sense of being in God’s presence–intense and gentle at the same time, peaceful and relaxed, assured of being God’s beloved child.
This recent surgery put me in a far different place; a lot more physical discomfort, a lot of memory loss, pressure to get up and move around to promote healing that only made me feel lousy. And I wasn’t even able to pray.
I am still not–my prayers feel remote, disconnected, powerless. I am enough of a believe to continue to think 1) God hears; 2) God understands; 3) God will make some kind of growth come out of all this spiritual blah.